I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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