she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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