this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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