I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
