Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
