The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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