we made out on top of his cat.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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