I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
