Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
