I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
