he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Did I show you my penis last night?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
