And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
