remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
