sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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