y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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