i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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