Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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