P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
