Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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