Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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