That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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