ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
