Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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