After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
