so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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