Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
