i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You don't make any sense
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