I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
