Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
