There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
