I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
