if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
