Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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