life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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