I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
