Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I love you. Go after that dick
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