so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
