I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
