Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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