Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
