So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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