I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
