My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
