chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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