I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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