toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
