So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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