is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
barbara walters just said penis...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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