$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
