White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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