I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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