there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
