why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
