So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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