I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i think my cat just said my name.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Randomize
