last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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