Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
